Jan 25 2012

Hotel Internet

How exactly does one measure how bad hotel internet is?

I mean, the options seems to range from horrible to “I didn’t notice any lag” and there seem to be no delineations between.

That doesn’t seem right, since we measure everything down to the nth degree these days. We need to have a reference standard to deal with.

Therefore, I am going to propose my own standard because really, given free speech and all, how are you going to stop me?

Going forward we are going to measure internet connectivity in the highly subjective Suckulon scale. Lower is better…higher, well, it just sucks more.

A zero rating on the Suckulon scale can only actually be achieved at a quantum level at absolute zero (well, except for in Bill Gates personal home system) with electrons that have been carefully trained to travel down the dielectric highway with complete disregard for the bounds of Newtonian physics.

A 100 on the Suckulon scale is the kind of painful, agonizing level of internet that you can only show at an internet cafe in a third world country (or South Dakota) at a peak demand time during the release of a new, major upgrade of World of Warcraft.

Yes, I am talking a Compuserve backbone with a 1080P Youtube delivery site. Sort of like a trip to that dentist in Little Shop of Horrors, only without the benefit of songs to distract you.

The hotel I am currently in is scoring about a 93 on the newly minted Suckulon scale. Yep, sort of like the early 90’s version of Amateurs On Line with all of the requisite charms. I can almost hear that lovely modem connecting sound and “You’ve got mail” like some vicious reprogramming mantra aimed at getting me to admit that I actually liked parachute pants.

Or Wham. What were we thinking? Whatever happened to that guy who wasn’t George Michael anyway?

In any case, the bounds of the “high-speed internet” at this hotel actually seem to be to a total data pathway limit. In other words, I can either upload or download…but not both at the same time.

But at least both are very slow.


The Edge based connection on my phone being slaved to my computer as a modem is actually noticeably faster than the hotel’s internet. I would complain, but the fact that they forgot to clean my room today kind of indicates to me how much they care. Which is to say…not at all.

So, stranded here in this technological wasteland makes me realize my dependence upon the interwebs in painful detail. The unnamed hotel chain Marriott who has inflicted this service on me must have my best interests in mind. They want me to exercise, or get some extra sleep or read a book.

Shame I would have to download a new Kindle book to make that part happen. Even a text download is painful here!

And lest you should think I am overstating in any way the pain involved in this process, I just hit save draft on this blog post.

A bit more than 600 words and one pitiful little 29K JPG took over two minutes to upload. I nodded off during the process!

I would answer a couple of emails during the wait time…but that would require access to a reasonable web connection!

So, instead, I will muse about the boundaries and key points within the definition of the Suckulon. Mr Bell would be proud to lend his thoughts and expertise to the whole process if he were still around.

Of course, a telegraph would be a much faster process at this point…

I will try to bear my pain in a way that is not so obvious. Sisyphus had it easy compared to this.

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